cute but psycho!!

I can do this.

2005-07-16T19:43:46Z

I keep thinking back the days where I was at my lowest weight. It seemed so easy. I'd bring a small can of fruit for lunch, and that's all I'd eat some days. Other days, it wasn't much more.

This gives me hope and determination.
I know I have it in me.
:)

yum

2005-07-15T12:02:57Z

I am doing a fruits and vegetables fast. I don't know how long I'll go, or how long I'll be able to go. I've never really been a successful faster.

I started this morning at 125.5...pre-period. Once again, periods ruin everything!

Today's plan:
*breakfast - 1 cup fresh raspberries
*snack - 1 smallish/medium gala apple
*lunch - 1 cup cut up fresh strawberries and 1 cut up small banana (SO good!)
*snack - um...maybe carrotts? cucumbers?
*dinner - carrotts and cucumbers, depending on if I go to the store for others
*water water water!

I told Nick I was going to do this awhile ago, and he thought it was the dumbest thing ever and kept making smartass remarks. He should be thankful I'm actually eating. Stupidass. (I really do love him...haha).

I also worked 40 hours this week, since our regular receptionist was on vacation. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I can't handle a regular 40 hour/week job, and I will LOVE the paycheck next week, but I never ever want to be her AND me at the same time again. It's way too hard and frustrating to try and do 2 people's work at the same time while dealing with constant phone calls and everyone else's shit. !!!! Only 1 more day!!

THEN tomorrow, I have to wake up and do my 6am-3pm shift at Health Works. Go figure this would be MY weekend to work the gym. I think after that, I will sleep until Sunday morning!!!

:)

mydesire105 @ 2005-07-14T07:32:00

2005-07-14T11:32:40Z

Just...yikes.

mydesire105 @ 2005-07-13T06:51:00

2005-07-13T10:54:32Z

I'm not getting anywhere.

I need more self control.

I hate that sound my stomach makes when it's empty. Just shut the hell up already!! You're not getting anything!
Psh yeah, I wish I could fast for longer than like 12 hours.

I felt reeeeeeeeeeeeally fat yesterday. :(

Trying to decide how much I should eat today...how fucked up.

mydesire105 @ 2005-07-07T13:21:00

2005-07-07T17:21:42Z

STOP EATING.

real toilets!! yes!!

2005-07-06T19:16:29Z

Ahh!!!!!!!! I love being home!!! :)

No, it really was fun. I love camping. Didn't love the fact that us girls had to use a fallen log as a toilet though!! Yeah...
Got really drunk a few nights...wow what good times! :)
Ate WAY TOO MUCH. :/

Oh well though...I was sorta good, I can honestly say that I didn't have a single s'more!
I'm at 125 today...kinda pissed about that, since I saw 122.5 before I left!! Ugh!!
Today Nick and I start back at the gym, last night we were just too damn tired.

Oh! And, we got a free puppy!!!!!!!!!! Ahh she's so cute, her name is Lola. :) I am taking pictures soon and I'll post them!! I forget what kind she is though. :)

I miss dance...soo freakin much. Only........about 2 months til it starts again, and my mom said she'd pay me to be a full-time assistant!! !!!!!
I cannot wait. :)
<3 <3

Goodness!

2005-06-29T21:30:14Z

Yesterday I did yet another straight mile! No stopping!! =D Skinny legs, here I come!

I'm so impatient though...I want them NOW.

I'm leaving tomorrow evening, going camping. And...it's going to be dreadful.
Camping for 4 days in the wilderness. Actually, a State Park or whatever, but one with no electricity, no running water, no BATHROOMS...yeah. I'm pretty certain that I'll be wishing I had a penis this weekend. Where the hell am I going to...and...?! Thank GOD I just got off of my period.

But it would be nice to know who's bringing what. Instead, I guess the whole "plan" is...everyone must fend for themselves. WHICH, I personally think is a fat waste of money. Why can't we assign each person something different to bring?? Someone gets the toilet paper, someone the plastic forks, someone else the cooking stuff...OYE.

So! I found myself buying toilet paper and, YES I'll share if everyone else forgot. I'm too nice like that.
I just hope I come back alive.

Hopefully also I can drop a few pounds. I only bought bran flakes, wheat chex, some apples, some fruit 'n gel cups...some VODKA and light JUICE...yeah I'll be set. :)
I'm too O/C to not have all these details sorted out! Ahh...stupid males.

Blehhhh

2005-06-28T04:47:17Z

I feel like this layer of FAT on my body is just drowning me. It really is.

I'm so messed up, if you talked to me face to face about everyday chit chat, I'd probly be the happiest, bubbliest, and most smiley girl ever. This guy at the gym said to me today:

"There are two types of people in the world, people that brighten the room when they leave, and people the brighten the room when they walk in. You are always just so happy..."
It felt nice, but at the same time I'm going, "If you only knew Mr."

I just need the fat to go away. I need to shrink. It's pretty much the only thing in my life that I'm not happy with. Someone, please invent some magic cream or something! :(

On somewhat of a brighter side...today I ran my first full mile ever. Sure, I've ran miles before. But never without stopping. Sure, it took my 9 1/2 minutes, and I felt like my throat was going to catch fire. But it felt good. Ya think running will melt some fat off of my legs??

123 at the end of today. Kinda numb about that.
Meh.

bleh

2005-06-23T13:28:49Z

Periods

ruin

everything.

mydesire105 @ 2005-06-18T17:39:00

2005-06-18T21:41:36Z

Blahhh...

Once again, I had to update my goals.
Son of a bitch.

And I found out that I am going camping with my boyfriend and some guys (possibly girls?) over the 4th of July. Gah!! I can't look like this.

All I seem to do lately is binge. It's GOT TO STOP.

update

2005-06-18T15:53:52Z

Fat.

Depressed.

Trying.

Not hard enough.

:(

note to self

2005-06-13T12:45:22Z

LIQUIDS ONLY TODAY, BITCH!!!

:p

I hate open houses!

2005-06-13T05:14:21Z

First, I need to vent. I apologize in advance...I'm sorry girlies! :/

So, today pretty much BLEW. I ate everything in sight. And...it was my boyfriend's open house today. So he stops by beforehand, and I go, "Pew, you stink, did you just smoke?" He fucking got high before his open house! I was so angry...I mean, fuck, do that all you want with friends and shit, but right before seeing family!? How fucking stupid!! Please have some respect you stupid dipshit!!

THEN...ooo! We've been together for a little over a year, and his ex girlfriend from when he was like 16 came (she's 20 now). Cool, whatever, they are still friends...but I am still not comfortable with the whole thing, because they "loved each other" and he was hung up over her pretty much until he met me. SO. She gives him a graduation card, and on the envelope it reads, "Babycakes". WTF?! And she signed the card "Dollface". Excuse me? I wanted to cry. For some reason it just kills me. Sure, I have nothing to worry about, but please! Who does that?! Part of me feels like a stupid jealous girlfriend, but the other part is just crushed beyond explanation. :( He says he sees where I am coming from...and he said he'll say something to her since it bothers me that much...
*Sigh*

Anyways, I'll quit complaining now. I had a shitty day...and tomorrow's a new one. WHICH btw, I am planning to fast for 3 days. Liquids only. Wish me luck. :)

saddness

2005-06-12T00:03:58Z

So, my boyfriend was talking about Lindsay Lohan today. About how she's so skinny and whatnot...and I say "Why do you care, you don't like skinny girls anyways".
His words like a dagger, "No, I don't".
I wanted to die.

I am SICK of looking like this. I can't even wear jeans because I feel like thunder thigh woman. I dread getting dressed every day.

It's weird, the ups and downs I have. I have my super confident "skinny" days. More often, I have my low self-esteem fat days. I don't want to be like this anymore. I just want to be thin. God, do I want to be thin.

I refuse to accept that "this is the way I am". I made myself like this, and I can undo it, with more time and effort.
Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Reminder to self:

2005-06-04T12:24:03Z

It starts over today.

:(

2005-06-03T02:33:02Z

I'm tired of saying "I'm going to be good today!" ...and doing the complete opposite.
Dumb.

Once again...

2005-06-01T05:04:11Z

Yes, I had to alter my goals. :/

So now, it's 112-115 by June 15th. The day I am going to visit my friend at her cottage. ! So that's...15 days to lose 8 pounds?! Oh God, maybe I should reconsider that one...

Naw, I'll leave it, but I'll really be shooting for 117-118.

I saw 123 today, after the 125 incident. Ha. I'm going to be working out like crazy. :)
I can totally do this. Piece of...fat free sugar free cake.
~love love love!

oye

2005-05-31T06:03:29Z

I couldn't last anymore...

125

And quite honestly, it's better than I expected.

oye

2005-05-29T14:59:07Z

I'm trying, I really am.

I must try harder.

I'm afraid to weigh myself. But at the same time, I'm dying to know! Oye...if I can just hold out until I can feel or see a change. Then I won't be so disappointed when I finally do weigh in. :/

I keep thinking that, I'll soon have to be in a bikini around people. The thought semi-makes me cringe.

My boyfriend is the best. He knows how I feel about my body, especially certain parts. He claims I'm perfect, he doesn't like his girls sickly thin. And he also knows that I'm sort of a health freak. So yesterday he told me that he'd eat healthy with me, as long as I stay healthy. This is huge, considering this is the same guy who downs entire bags of doritos and 2 whoppers in one sitting, and is still skinny. :) He just makes me smile, and not to mention super jealous. I wish I could eat like that and be a twig. :/

BUT - I will be good today.
So far, breakfast was 1 Light N Fit with Fiber yogurt - 70 cals. By the way, the apple flavor is amazing...I love apples....
An apple will follow here shortly, then it's to the gym (working today!) and hopefully there's no one there so I can just work out. :)

Here's to a good day...and it's gorgeous out. :)
<3 <3 <3

To me, love me

2005-05-26T00:18:42Z

Dear self,
You stupid fatty. Know why you're not losing weight!? Because you're eating TERRIBLY. SO STOP IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!! Thanks love. Be good or it's YOUR ass...that will increase that is. Dumbfuck.

Love,
Lanie

meh

2005-05-23T03:38:40Z

:)

I haven't been weighing myself. I can feel the little bit of weight I've gained, and seeing the numbers on the scale was starting to kill me. So, I just don't weigh in. Simple as that. I will, as soon as I know I've lost the weight. Oye...but I really am happier...kind of. :/

I've got to get back to eating healthy. Dance recital was this weekend, and last night was spent eating awesome food, watching the tape, and making fun of each other. I did OKAY, had strawberries, an apple, jello, carrots, 3 meatballs...but TOO MUCH desert! BUT, I won't dwell...I've just gotta get back on track...

On a positive note, the boyfriend pointed out that my legs look smaller, and they feel more toned. :) I agree that they feel better, but I don't think they're any smaller. I can only DREAM about that.

What I've got to do:
*Eat BETTER!
*Walk to work!
*Keep on going to the gym!

Yep. :)

Note to self...just stay positive!

2005-05-20T03:26:20Z

I'm going to try and stay away from the scale for as long as possible.
The scale doesn't tell me if I've lost fat and gained muscle.
So, for now...I won't even go there.

I'm just trying to stay upbeat.
Keep on going to the gym.
Start walking to work.

What really needs to change is FOOD.
I'm so stupid.
I know that chips are bad for you.
A lot of chocolate is bad for you.
I know all of this...then WHY do I continue to eat horribly?
It's not just that I have one serving of chips. I'll eat from the bag until I'm satisfied.
STUPID STUPID STUPID!

Well, it's going to stop.
My new swimsuit came in the mail today.
What a kick in the ass.
<3 <3 <3

I just need to say...

2005-05-18T11:20:51Z

I have the best boyfriend in the world.

He lets me bawl on his shoulder and just holds me, while having no idea truly why.
<3 <3 <3

Dress rehearsal today...I'd rather die than put on my costumes right now. :(
What happened to my goals?
Oh, there they are, right down the shitter.

:'(

2005-05-17T12:29:12Z

FUCK.
.

ahh

2005-05-14T05:11:04Z

I promise, this was my last BAD DAY.

PROOOOOOOOOOOMISE.

*Insert positive, encouraging thought here*